Thursday, August 16, 2007 @ 3:18 AM

maybe all the pain i'm suffering now is my destiny. i'll never meet anyone who truly loves me or is of any use to me. instead, i will continue to be taken advantage of, and made use. this is my life, my destiny that i never wanna bow my head to. FUCK LIFE !!!

Friday, March 16, 2007 @ 12:57 AM

i feel as if i'm gonna burst already that's why i'm here.

why in the fucking place i fell in love with someone like that ?? maybe not love but why did i get so involved ?? what i have for him is definitely not love, but just attachment. why did i help benny call you down to timezone in the first place ?? why did i take photos with you ??? why did i choose you instead of sQ. why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everytime i talked to you about things, you reply all the things that make me feel even worse. and the worst of all, i can see you smiling widely tomorrow and repeat the same thing. then you deny that i'm unimportant to you. what you show already contradict what you say. if you love a person, you will treat her like that ?? you will do things to put her under the scrutinisation of everyone ?? if you love her, you can't be strong for her ?? if you love her, you do nothing to make her feel proud of you ?? if you love her, you spare a thought for others before her ?? if you love her, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY DOING SOMETHING FOR HER !!!!

tell me ... WHEN !!!! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER DID SOMETHING FOR ME, WHEN DID YOU REALLY TRY TO CONTAIN MY LIMIT !!!

yes, you didn't tell people i screwed you but your face shows it all. and it makes nothing better. people who fucking dunno the story will just say "wa why you let her bully until like that, don't even dare show out."

after reading this, all of you may think "you so good meh say until like that."

i don't care what you all think cause the impression he created for me is enough to become a reputation. will someone who claims to love you, do this to you ?? who do i give up everything for you just to get this. am i really that not worthy for you to do a single shit thing for me ??

if YOU are reading this, you ask yourself la. whenever i act the bad guy in front of everyone to "protect" you, is it for your own good or for my own good ??

few things you always complain:

- physical uncomfort
- no money
- no mood
- unsatisfying surroundings
- detestful peers

you always say you sick or whatever. i ask you come out then you will complain this complain that, make me feel very bad. when others leh, " anything lor, i anything one." all of a sudden you complain 100times lesser. you spare a thought for other's feelings and not mine la !!! why ?? cause of face lor, you act so considerate to others.

complain tired can help people move house, play overnight mahjong, go countdown, go clubbing and whatever shit. i only asked you to remain online or maybe buy something for me, you complain like fuck. so doing something for others is easier and better than doing something for your love one ?? to show that you care ?? is that how you treasure?

no money play mahjong somemore, go clubbing, late night-outs, midnight cabs, choosy about jobs blah blah blah. pardon me for saying this. taking a beggar for example:

if you donate 10bucks to him, will he say "wa this note too old, i want new one."

you already say you are broke, still can be fussy over so many things. public toilets and food etc. for me, when i'm broke i just eat anything available. how about you ?? "za chai peng, sian la. this not nice that not nice, eat mac." imagine: if we were to get married and have kids. IF we are only left with 10bucks, you will still choose one lor. this type of thing you do, how you expect me to trust my happiness with you ?? when you show me that you can't even make proper decisions ??

you no mood, but i can't tell you, if i leave you with your friends w/o my pressence, it will be totally diff. FUCK !!!

you kou kou sheng sheng say this person cannot trust totally or be too close with. end up leh ?? this person come find you and you accept him totally. why do you always like to contradict yourself ?? so hard to even protect you. i'm playing the guy's role, and you the girl's, and yet you still like that KNN !!!

I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY I DO SO MUCH FOR YOU EVEN THOUGH KNOWING THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND DON'T APPRECIATE IT.

i may still love him alot, but can you show some thankfulness for all i've tried to do for you ?? instead of throwing it all away. you don't how it feels like to have no one loving you at all, that's why you are taking me for granted.

when you are reading this, you will just deny it. JUST ADMIT IT !!! damn you.

jarrel jason jarrel jason, when is all this shit gonna end !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love jason but i can only say it to myself. i don't love jarrel but why i do stupid things for him. KNN lao bei la !!! si jolynn. fark off from this world la !!! cut yourself cut until die la !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wo ba ai, jiao cuo gei ren le.

wo hao ai ni, jason. dao xian zai dou wu fa wang ji. i will say that i forget you already, but this sentence will never come true until i become senile or when i die.

jason .....................

it takes more than 18972389478395 miracles to bring you back to me. none has happened.

Thursday, February 01, 2007 @ 4:44 AM

come to think of presents i've received, almost many don't have that much thought which i think they had. the famous saying "it's the thought that matters". somehow i disagree about that, money do matter too but one shouldn't focus on the cost too much when receiving gifts as it is a sign of disrespect to the giver. but how many of you will be happy to receive a packet of tissue with no special meaning ?? unless you always have the runs then you'll appreciate it i guess.

i feel really bad to have most of the presents chucked away in many corners of my room, because most are bought because they are cute etc etc. i may be really heartless to say that, though they are from my good friends or ex-boyfriends, but how many of them have really thought of what i really want ?? if what i want is something they couldn't give, i'm glad to just have their company.

through my 16years of life, special occasions like valentine's day, anniversaries, birthday and christmas never gave me the special feeling i was longing for. i am materialistic, i really am. i may say that thought counts, i really do try to keep that present properly, but i can't because the feeling don't worth my keeping. if a friend were to give me a tissue with all his/her heartfelt words, i'll definitely treasure it, but i've received none.

i've been quite a flirt, many men i may have seen but how many takes meticulous efforts to plan surprises for special occasions to make me feel treasured ?? perhaps maybe 2 ?? i envy some of my friends for having those privileges. some of them have it almost everyday, making them feel treasured and important to the other. buying my favourite food for me perhaps, but on another thought, do they even know what's my fav food ??

people have even surprised their GFs by bringing them to a dinner at a hotel and a performance specially put up for her. then bring her up to a room and spend the night there not having sex, but really connecting heart-to-heart. if one day i were to earn that money and gain my damned freedom, i'll do that for my loved one. or even if it means for myself. i know i'm very shallow, only all these extravagrant things can let me see their love for them, why ?? simply because the normal celebrations just let me know that they never put in any effort. it's pretty obvious don't ask me why.

for some, they forget my birthday clean like my father. as for my mum, she brings me out to shopping, but is that what i want ?? for the most beloved one, he did worse. he brought a friend along and told me last minute still. well, i accepted that as we were no longer an item. and what he did was, he and his friend abandoned me in a restaurant alone waiting for 30mins before they came down. ok fine, i footed the bill as i promised to give him a treat. since i had vouchers, i didn't mind paying for his friend too.

until at the bus stop, his friend left in a cab. then he told me that he secretly stuffed my present into a compartment in my bag. when i opened my bag, i was really happy because it's from him and i never thought he will prepare one for me. but moments later, my heart sank. the present was in a plastic bag with the shop's name that it was bought from. "MINITOONS". inside it was a mickey mouse handphone keychain which cost $4.95 if i don't remember wrongly. so half an hour was spent on buying that ?? am i really that childish and unworthy of a better present ??

i asked him he took 30mins just to find this ?? he said he couldn't figure out what i liked so he just bought something as an "yi si" i don't know what it is in english. i wanted to cry already, but i just kept smiling so that he thinks i'm really happy. he didn't PREPARE my present at all !!! it was impromptu, DAMN IT FUCK IT !! that was my most pathetic 16th birthday with a present. i prefer one w/o a gift.

i've stop receiving birthday cakes nor any parties, BBQ sessions, or even gatherings. it's pretty much on my own.

however unthoughtful he might be,he gave me a present that i treasure the most. on our 1st month anniversary, he gave me something he did himself and even got burned by fire cause of it. i was on the moon, i seriously was. though we spent the day sleeping at a friend's house and playing pool, but that alone is enough to melt my heart. not because of the burns, but the words. as i read them, i could feel the sincerity within him when he was writing it. although we planned movies and everything but that was enough to cover up. all his other thoughtless presents are chucked aside except for this one, and also the keychain to remind me not to fall in love with him again.

i kept this present in tip-top condition even until now. everytime i read it again, it never fails to bring tears in my eyes. when i read it, i always go back to the times, which makes me feel how much i loved him at that time. but sad to say, the present i made for him, is already in his cupboard not taken out to look at anymore. i know it's rather ugly, but i spent the whole month doing it. sighs, my heart breaks again.

till now, i'll never forget. how my status in his heart just changed like that. he really loves me, then all of a sudden, i'm worthless to him to the extent that he finds no purpose to respect me at all.

i've never been scarred so badly before. i thought he was the one who loves me the most, but i was thoroughly wrong. what other things he did to me may be downright wrong, but i won't be angry with him. because my love for him have not faded one bit at all.

many attempts to forget him failed, i tried to think about every other thing, keep myself busy, indulge myself on binging until i've already gained 5kg, but almost nothing works at all. the love never changes.

he's already avoiding me now, so no point trying to find him. he sent me an e-mail telling me that he needs more time to face me, and when he did, he will call me. a wave of strong intuition plus depression came over me, telling me that the day will never come. many guys say that to escape. so afterall, he's just a normal guy who treats me shabbily, not as special as i thought he was. one reason, BECAUSE HE DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE"

my longing for him will never fade, but now i can only bury them all in my heart until i can never take them out again. streams of tears are trickling down my cheeks, but there's no one to wipe it ......

deluded heart

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 @ 5:20 PM

ok i'm here to wish u merry x'mas .. very late i know .. i wanted to post it here on that very day but just had no mood to ... you won't be reading this either so i guess i shall just talk to myself here ..

no matter how much i still love you i will just have to hide it ba .. somehow i have a feeling that you have taken some interest in someone new ... no evidence but just a premonition, or intuition if u call it that way .. i don't know who's she, don't wish to know also .. so from now on, i shall just avoid ba .. even if it's means banging the wall to hide from u, i also will ... when i see u, i will just swerve with all my str, so as not to let u see me ... i can't explain, but i just hope you'll never see me again ... perhaps i'm ashamed ...

hopefully my parents approve my request, then u won't be able to see me for very long .. maybe by then, only will i forget u ..

why is it hurting so deep ?? wo zhen de rang ni na me tong ku, mei you xuan ze yi ding yao shou fang shou ma ??? i miss YOU*

Saturday, December 23, 2006 @ 12:24 AM

it was the 22nd half an hour ago. exactly one month i never heard from him. was feeling really down, xmas's coming but there's no one to celebrate with me. i watched a show, the mistress slept together with her BF. the first one she saw when she woke up was the one that she loves. so i thought to myself " if he could be the one i first see every morning, maybe it wouldn't matter if i'm his mistress, or anything more lowdown u can think of." am i crazy ???

merry x'mas to YOU*

Friday, December 15, 2006 @ 5:17 PM

22nd nov

the last time i saw you and heard your voice. i'm sorry i just left like that, should have sort things out with you calmly instead of leaving just like that. i'll never forget this day when i hated you for the first time.

1st dec

i msged you something but i never thought that u still loathe me that much. perhaps u'll never wanna talk to me anymore.

8th dec

confirmed everything, msged u again. still no replies, sighs. it's really over for us, no more friends anymore.

10th dec

happy birthday to you. though i'm not the one celebrating with u. i guess u must have a girl more worthy of u to stay beside u. enjoy your birthday, i miss you.

14th dec

i lost the mickey mouse on the key chain u gave me on my birthday. it feels like a part of you waving goodbye to me. i searched frantically for it, but i still couldn't find it back. it's just like the way you and me are now. i know that i can't force u to be right back with me, so i'll treasure the remaining parts of the keychain just like how i'm treasuring what's left of us. it's almost nothing but it means everything to me. your photos and your gifts, i kept only them. i don't usually keep gifts that other people properly, but you are the first one that make me do so. maybe only until today, i will learn to treasure u. i love you. sighs

i so wanna hug u now. but u wouldn't even talk to me now. i think u hate me already.

30th april 2006
the date i started to love you. i still do so i'll never forget that very day when everything happened just like that.

9th june
i'm sorry i let u down. i shouldn't let other people shake my love for u. i regret taking this step, i didn't know what's good for me. hope that you'll forgive me for the way i've hurt you.

15th dec

i still love you. and will always do until the day u tell me that u don't love me anymore. waiting and waiting. so tired and cold in the rain.

Sunday, November 12, 2006 @ 9:32 PM

time is up for us ... i gave u time to prove your love but u took every minute that ticks by for granted .. i know there are many minutes ahead, but how much more do you think i will spare on u ??

as for HIM(not u): i know u need time, but i can say we probably won't be together again .. and i know u don't want to .. i don't think you'll be reading this as you don't even hit my blog .. i'm just venting a lil .. i won't pester u again like last time .. no more nonsensical msges u will receive from me .. because i know that though what happened is impt to me, it ain't a matter to you .. so for once, i shall not fight anymore .. just to give u a lil more ..

i shan't make any of you liable for what both of you did, cause i'm also at fault to allow things to happen .. but all i can do, is to remain single, till the right one passes by ... i loved him*

insecure is lonely yet again
*i love him, but i wanna be single, so does he ..

the significance

insecure girl
graduating soon
sweet 16
bears a thousand doubts

some people

VENT !!!!

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