Thursday, February 01, 2007 @ 4:44 AM

come to think of presents i've received, almost many don't have that much thought which i think they had. the famous saying "it's the thought that matters". somehow i disagree about that, money do matter too but one shouldn't focus on the cost too much when receiving gifts as it is a sign of disrespect to the giver. but how many of you will be happy to receive a packet of tissue with no special meaning ?? unless you always have the runs then you'll appreciate it i guess.

i feel really bad to have most of the presents chucked away in many corners of my room, because most are bought because they are cute etc etc. i may be really heartless to say that, though they are from my good friends or ex-boyfriends, but how many of them have really thought of what i really want ?? if what i want is something they couldn't give, i'm glad to just have their company.

through my 16years of life, special occasions like valentine's day, anniversaries, birthday and christmas never gave me the special feeling i was longing for. i am materialistic, i really am. i may say that thought counts, i really do try to keep that present properly, but i can't because the feeling don't worth my keeping. if a friend were to give me a tissue with all his/her heartfelt words, i'll definitely treasure it, but i've received none.

i've been quite a flirt, many men i may have seen but how many takes meticulous efforts to plan surprises for special occasions to make me feel treasured ?? perhaps maybe 2 ?? i envy some of my friends for having those privileges. some of them have it almost everyday, making them feel treasured and important to the other. buying my favourite food for me perhaps, but on another thought, do they even know what's my fav food ??

people have even surprised their GFs by bringing them to a dinner at a hotel and a performance specially put up for her. then bring her up to a room and spend the night there not having sex, but really connecting heart-to-heart. if one day i were to earn that money and gain my damned freedom, i'll do that for my loved one. or even if it means for myself. i know i'm very shallow, only all these extravagrant things can let me see their love for them, why ?? simply because the normal celebrations just let me know that they never put in any effort. it's pretty obvious don't ask me why.

for some, they forget my birthday clean like my father. as for my mum, she brings me out to shopping, but is that what i want ?? for the most beloved one, he did worse. he brought a friend along and told me last minute still. well, i accepted that as we were no longer an item. and what he did was, he and his friend abandoned me in a restaurant alone waiting for 30mins before they came down. ok fine, i footed the bill as i promised to give him a treat. since i had vouchers, i didn't mind paying for his friend too.

until at the bus stop, his friend left in a cab. then he told me that he secretly stuffed my present into a compartment in my bag. when i opened my bag, i was really happy because it's from him and i never thought he will prepare one for me. but moments later, my heart sank. the present was in a plastic bag with the shop's name that it was bought from. "MINITOONS". inside it was a mickey mouse handphone keychain which cost $4.95 if i don't remember wrongly. so half an hour was spent on buying that ?? am i really that childish and unworthy of a better present ??

i asked him he took 30mins just to find this ?? he said he couldn't figure out what i liked so he just bought something as an "yi si" i don't know what it is in english. i wanted to cry already, but i just kept smiling so that he thinks i'm really happy. he didn't PREPARE my present at all !!! it was impromptu, DAMN IT FUCK IT !! that was my most pathetic 16th birthday with a present. i prefer one w/o a gift.

i've stop receiving birthday cakes nor any parties, BBQ sessions, or even gatherings. it's pretty much on my own.

however unthoughtful he might be,he gave me a present that i treasure the most. on our 1st month anniversary, he gave me something he did himself and even got burned by fire cause of it. i was on the moon, i seriously was. though we spent the day sleeping at a friend's house and playing pool, but that alone is enough to melt my heart. not because of the burns, but the words. as i read them, i could feel the sincerity within him when he was writing it. although we planned movies and everything but that was enough to cover up. all his other thoughtless presents are chucked aside except for this one, and also the keychain to remind me not to fall in love with him again.

i kept this present in tip-top condition even until now. everytime i read it again, it never fails to bring tears in my eyes. when i read it, i always go back to the times, which makes me feel how much i loved him at that time. but sad to say, the present i made for him, is already in his cupboard not taken out to look at anymore. i know it's rather ugly, but i spent the whole month doing it. sighs, my heart breaks again.

till now, i'll never forget. how my status in his heart just changed like that. he really loves me, then all of a sudden, i'm worthless to him to the extent that he finds no purpose to respect me at all.

i've never been scarred so badly before. i thought he was the one who loves me the most, but i was thoroughly wrong. what other things he did to me may be downright wrong, but i won't be angry with him. because my love for him have not faded one bit at all.

many attempts to forget him failed, i tried to think about every other thing, keep myself busy, indulge myself on binging until i've already gained 5kg, but almost nothing works at all. the love never changes.

he's already avoiding me now, so no point trying to find him. he sent me an e-mail telling me that he needs more time to face me, and when he did, he will call me. a wave of strong intuition plus depression came over me, telling me that the day will never come. many guys say that to escape. so afterall, he's just a normal guy who treats me shabbily, not as special as i thought he was. one reason, BECAUSE HE DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE"

my longing for him will never fade, but now i can only bury them all in my heart until i can never take them out again. streams of tears are trickling down my cheeks, but there's no one to wipe it ......

deluded heart

Thursday, February 01, 2007 @ 4:44 AM

the significance

some people

VENT !!!!

Credits.